the eroticism of self discovery

Painting by Ksenia Stekolshchikova

we define a relationship as intimate when it is built upon closeness — a depth of understanding between two people, riddled with the complexities of companionship, and persevering, nonetheless. but, there often is a disregard for the understanding of one’s self as considerably intimate. ironic, truly, considering we have been forced into proximity with the bodies we inhabit, thus closeness is only natural. 

i believe there is something quite erotic about the nature by which we discover ourselves. learning, day by day, what we like and dislike, what makes us happy and sad, what creates the people we are. there is something rather intimate about the closeness we hold to our own flesh. 

consider the following: we are intimate with our lover in ways that involve physical connection. we touch and feel and fuck — we need to hold them close to express the utter luxury it feels to love them. because it’s something felt so deep within, often without words. thus, our actions take control, pulling them closer and closer until we absorb them as our own.

the thing is, why shouldn’t we share that same intimacy for ourselves? we are, after all, entirely absorbed into our own beings. and just as we learn of another person, we learn of ourselves each day, making this sexual experience of understanding all the more attractive. perhaps, and i suggest this quite lightly, what is lacking is love.

self love is possibly the most mind-fucking tool of them all; without it, we fade into illegible versions of ourselves, and with it, we are put on blast like a loudspeaker. the dichotomy of self love defines how we discover ourselves. if we hate ourselves, we change ourselves. if we flaunt ourselves, we lie to ourselves. but if we love ourselves, we become ourselves.

as such, i propose that when we love ourselves — in a way that is neither way toxic — we can embrace the truly sexual nature of identifying our person. for we can touch and feel and fuck on our own, just as much as with a partner. 

perhaps that is what is most sexy about our existence — the utter beauty of self discovery.